Dissertation Dilemmas

*Dissertation*. The dreaded word of the year. A sort of rite of passage which all us MA Final Years have to go through before we are pronounced "Masters in Applied Psychology" (though what we have mastered is still quite a debatable issue!)

I do NOT like this.

I went through a miniature version of dissertation, quaintly titled "project" in my final year of graduation. And it was to put it simply, quite hellish (the people who were around me at that time, would probably nod their heads very very very strongly to that). In hindsight, it was as much a cakewalk as a research can ever be. I had the best guide possible (with her penchant for perfections, which i got thoroughly bugged at by the end of it all), a topic i was passionate to the core about, no major mishaps/loss of data (though a really scary false alarm did come my way and made my life miserable for close to 12 hours), my data collection had been done on time...yet what probably killed me by the end of it was the numerous drafts, the reading, re-reading, re-re-re-reading of the multiple drafts, the combining of all the different chapters, the formatting, the proofreading, the feeling of 'its NEVER gonna end'. but end it did...and till date, the 'project' remains my life's greatest achievement, something i still feel the utmost pride for.

THIS time around...things are different. MUCH different. I do not have a topic im truly passionate about, though to give it credit, i quite like it and find it mildly interesting. I could live with it. But passion???? i think i gave up passion after 3rd year, perhaps it died after college. I have two guides, but they wont be like preeti mam and literally spoon feed things to me. They'll be there to (hopefully) give me direction, tell me where Im going wrong...but I know they wont be the kind of support preeti mam was, they wont share the excitement with the same passion as preeti mam.

the biggest anxiety is perhaps the fact that i KNOW how stressful its going to get. Not just from personal experience of the 'project', but also from doing pseudo dissertations last year (courtesy my lovely seniors). I KNOW how horrible its going to be.

but then again, there is absolutely NOTHING i can do. except decide on my topic. and then find a way to love it. and work my butt off to produce that dissertation.

Oh Lord, help me.

of europe, family and doing very 'not-me' things

so back from europe. it was f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c, as expected. after this trip, i think i can conclude that europe is about world history and culture lessons, along with a treat for the eyes.the last time i went to europe, circa 2001, it was the visual treat part. i dont remember much culture or history then. we saw tons of places, which were all very lovely and beautiful and we oohed and aahed over all the lovely locales of switzerland (truly jannat), the hustle bustle of paris, the calmness of brussels but the life in the 'grand place' there, the flatness, the windmills and the picture book quality of hague, the castles of prague, the churches of germany..europe 2001 was a visual treat.

europe 2008 (rather poland and berlin 08) was also a visual treat, but it was also a world history/culture lesson. there were places which were visually just so appealing, one felt like capturing it all forever. the mountains of the south of poland, the sand dunes at leba (pronounced weba...dont get me started on the polish language), the baltic sea (aah, a true piscean i shall always remain at heart).

THEN...there was auschwitz, one of the largest concentration camps during Hitler's regime. The two hours there was enough to really understand what world war 2 was all about, what the jews went through. i dont want to put words to that experience, coz any words i use will never do justice to what i felt during those 2 hours. i think those 2 hours will haunt me in some way throughout my life...BUT, its one of those experiences which you are thankful for, and which makes one feel so humbled and thankful to whoever is responsible for deciding our fates...we are really very lucky individuals.

there was berlin, which again was a history lesson in itself, what with us visiting the German parliament Reichstag where the entire Hitler regime and the east/west berlin division and subsequent merging was reprised with pictures; then there was checkpoint charlie, the official immigration point between east/west berlin...there was a quite a dose of world war 2 during this trip.

apart from the world history lessons, there was something else very unique to this trip; me doing very 'not me' things; like going on a roller coaster at full speed out of my own free will, and not once but TWICE- it was one of those things where one could choose their own speed(!); the trek up to zakopane with the brothers- im NOT one of those sporty, adventurous types...so that was BIG; the super fast motor boat ride (a HUGE adrenaline rush!);running like a maniac in the rain and getting seriously drenched; watching BATMAN (lol...THAT was big!)...there were sooooooo many fun things i did during this trip...i felt like a kid again; rather, i did things which i had never done as a kid.

the family bonding was also very special. for a family which has very few members in india, and the rest all spread over the continents, 8 people being together for 10 days is BIG...what is very special is that everyone has their own lives now, everyone is busy...yet there are these trips which just come up and which turn out to be successes (read super fun!) because we all love spending time with each other; whether its a day trip to agra, a week's trip to rajasthan or a 15 day european sojourn...the family manages to have the time of their lives...which is what makes my family just so incredible!

so im all happy after the trip...and im back to the grind of delhi life. the classes-office routine is on and the coming yr seems to be looking quite grim...best of luck to myself and my fellow sufferers!

internship- highs and lows

its officially been 3 weeks (and 2 days) at work and i feel like i have never known a life except this. in this time, i have been praised to the fullest and treated like the next literary jewel after say Shakespeare. i have been bogged down with work, rushing to meet deadlines. i have been taken to itc maurya sheraton for a meeting (undoubtedly one of the most surreal moments of my life) i have been equally vella, totally jobless and god bless yahoomail, its the only thing that works in my 'dabba' of a pc (i swear, after so many years of being spoiled by updated computers, this one seems like a relic of the bygone era). currently i am on my jobless mode; half my office has gone out of town on a project and the half which is here is absolutely out of work. i hate being jobless; i mean sure its fun emailing my mother and my equally jobless step twin, and its good timepass to read random blogs and filmi gossip...BUT...it does reach a saturation point. im sure i have reached that. i hope i can get started on my project tomorrow; at least make some sense of it. i cannot tolerate 3 jobless days in a row.

a bit about my office; a quaint and warm little place, tucked in the middle of rajouri garden, it's a world of its own. with the majority of people being psychologists (and the others behaving just the same), you can very well imagine that the place is brimming with insanity. works for me, because 6 years of psychology has made me feel at home amidst such madness. the people are interesting; intelligent, smart, underrated, warm and friendly, with a tremendously ADULT sense of humour, and strange habits (a penchant for supari being one of the prominent ones)...lol. there are a few things which i find unnerving and scary...and just NOT right about the place, but i wont go into that here. as an intern, i am a part of the organization, yet not really. so im a participant observer. whatever it is, im sure when i leave this place next year (assuming i last that long) it will be with a truckload of learning, about work...AND about life.

work here is interesting. its the kind of work you think you would end up doing once you have studied psychology. so not really disappointing in that respect. maybe because im in a small organization, which by the way, i like. i like the small-ness of the place, the homeliness, the fact that we know everyone in the office, the group lunches. but the concept of work itself is disillusioning. i do not like the private sector, something i realized on my 3rd day of work. i dont like the idea of putting in my efforts, so that some random already multibillionnaire can make more money. recently, when i was in bahrain, i went to my dad's office for work and while i was waiting for something, my dad showed me things he had done in bahrain in the past 3 years; including increasing the salary of labourers by 15 dinars (1500 rupees) per month, arranging the return of people who were otherwise unable to go back to india due to heavy fines imposed by the local authorities, and much more. there was so much pride in what he had done, and as his daughter, i felt so proud. will i ever feel that kind of pride for myself? i really hope i can. which is why, i will probably need to rethink career decisions, for the millionth time in my 21 year old existence; im sure even when im 60 years old, i will be thinking of what to do next...lol...

p.s.: this post contained some not so nice details about my office...but after a remark by creyzeee, it was decided to remove those portions. god bless u creyzeee!

The way I see it

Blue gates.
A wrought iron swing.
Yellow railings along a ramp.
Cobblestone building.
Assorted newspapers arranged neatly in the guardhouse.
Blue doors.
Worn out leave books.
A sea of posters and notifications merging together on the notice board.
Long queue of coloured buckets under geysers.
Clanging plates and spoons in the mess.
Multicoloured, circular chairs and left over decorations in the common room.
Shouting during cricket matches, reality shows, meetings, mealtimes, attendance…
Just shouting.
Running to be on time for mealtimes, attendance, baths, classes…everything.
Would-be doctorates rubbing shoulders with fresh college graduates.
The insane and the intellectuals,
The control freaks and the lazy bums,
The ones from the North, South, East and West,
And everywhere else.
The ones who scream and the ones who are quiet.
The best roomies,
And the irritating ones too.
All co-existing…sometimes peacefully, sometimes not.
Clothes along the railings and balconies.
Birthday wishes at midnight.
Messy rooms,
Neat rooms,
Spic-n-span rooms.
Laughing uncontrollably for hours.
Sudden power cuts.
Running across floors to share an inconsequential incident.
Borrowing scissors, ribbons, scotch tape, pots & pans, mugs, plates, spoons, buckets, books, clothes, shoes, jewellery, mattresses, blankets…
EVERYTHING…except perhaps toothbrushes and underwear.

THIS is our world…the way I see it.

THE KITE RUNNER

i used to be a hardcore fiction reader, i abhorred non fiction with a passion, and i was convinced that i would NEVER read non fiction, for as long as I lived. Ironically, I hardly ever read fiction anymore- save the random Danielle Steele novel which i find hanging around. In fact, i hardly really read anymore, except for newspapers, and books like 'Im ok- you're ok', 'the iitians' and 'Bitter chocolate'. Don't get me wrong- i enjoy that today, i have learnt a lot from these books and others of their ilk. i have moved beyond the sidney sheldons and the john grishams. So i sort of surprised myself when i, on the spur of the moment, decided to read 'the kite runner'- a book i had heard a LOT about, and which i had often told myself that i want to read. All i knew about the book before i began reading, was the little bit that i read in the backcover, and a friend's reaction that it was amazing.

little did i know that it would be a book that seems like it would live in me for a lifetime. A book which touched every chord, every emotion in my heart. a book which pulled at every heartstring and gave me the 'choked throat' feeling countless times.

the kite runner is a brilliant commentary on friendship, loyalty, changing times, war, afghanistan, freedom, father-son bond, master-servant relationship, and above all, finding peace. a simple story, told with even greater simplicity, it is a book which is dramatic, but never melodramatic. its a book of life altering moments, about regret and ultimately, redemption. it is delightfully cute in parts, scary in others...and yes, tragic in others as well.anything more i say about the book, will perhaps reduce it to the 'scenes' and the 'dialogues'. i dont want to do that. i think its a book to be read, and not to be told or heard about.

personally,i am so glad that this was the book which i chose to end my hiatus with. thank you mr. khaled hosseini...for you, a thousand times over.

ROBBED

Robbed…
Of my sanity
Of my innocence
Of my solitude
Of my self respect
Of my peace
Of my confidence
Of my happiness
Of my dreams
Of my identity
Of my dignity


I was raped.