The Curious Case of My Career(s)

Disclaimer: This blog reads like a cross between a Linkedin profile and an autobiographical account

Once in 6th grade on being asked what it is that I want to be when I grew up, I replied "Journalist". I always liked writing, and at that point in time was a manic reader. (It's another matter that I also had/have a penchant for drama and an obsession with Hindi movies and thought I should be an actress!)

As the years passed, writing was/is a passion/skill which kinda stuck with me, almost as if a conjoined twin. But in terms of careers, my mind wavered off and on. There was a time when I used to read only Grisham, and decided that law is my calling in life.

By a twist of fate (I end up having a lot of these!), psychology entered my life in 11th grade. Psychology and me, its like we were meant to be. My penchant for drama, my love for stories and human complexities, and my writing - all found a wonderful place in the world of psychology. I did my bachelors and my masters in psychology, and was convinced that my future career will revolve around psychology. In the middle of it, I did a brief stint with an HR consultancy, and also worked as a counsellor for a suicide helpline (the latter is ironic for so many reasons now).

On completing my masters, I literally stumbled into JNU, the hub of academia, research, communism and all things serious. Suddenly, my choice of career veered into research, education and academics. This was the time that I had cleared the 'prestigious' NET exam. It was also the time that I went for quite a number of interviews for teaching jobs in colleges and ended up clearing none. I was a freelance consultant with a publishing house also, and contrary to what I had always believed in, I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have thought.

In the midst of all this chaos, I got engaged. In the gap of 7/8 months between my engagement and my wedding, I interned with CSR, little knowing how it would have such an impact of my life, years later. That internship was just like an internship should be - breezy, stress free, enlightening, happy, and used my favourite skills of writing and research. 

After I got married and moved to Bombay, owing to the JNU stamp, and some recommendations from the sister, I managed to get a job in the educational wing of a renowned global NGO. It was a job very suited for my academic background, but lasted just two months, since I moved back to Delhi.

Once that happened, and amidst all the confusion surrounding my Ph.D plans, I landed up (to much of my shock and horror) as a school teacher, something which was nowhere in my life plans, like EVER. When I completed one year of being a school teacher (my longest job ever up until that point in life), and thought that this was going to be THE career, fate waved its magic wand. I got pregnant! I still remember, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind when I got to know of this life altering news, was "There goes my job" (Yes, like I said, I am very cool like that!). 

I worked through a significant part of my pregnancy, and finally decided to call it quits, simply because I was so blank. I was so blank about how I will feel about working after the baby, or whether I would even want to work, or how I would manage- that I just put in my papers.To be honest, I was fairly convinced in my head that I won't work once I become a mother, because I will have no time or energy left.

The first three months of being a mother are just a big blur in my memory. I remember endless sleepless nights, messed up eating schedules, this absolute state of nothingness, where all days, and parts of the day, were the same. I wondered sometimes if I would ever be 'normal' me again, if I would ever read, or watch TV or go out and shop, let alone hold a job.

Three months passed, and life sort of became normal. There was a more structured routine to my day, and I felt more mentally stable. And that was around the time, that life assumed a certain meaninglessness. I mean, yes I was raising an infant (a VERY high maintenance one at that ), but surely life had something else in store for me?  

It was around that time that CSR, quite magically, re-entered my life. And there I was, leaving behind a 5 month old baby, to go to work twice a week, for a few hours. Looking back at that person, I remember her being so nervous, so jittery, so unsure, more than I had ever been in my life. As a new mother, I suddenly felt that 'mothering' was all I knew - could I really fulfill job responsibilities? To be very honest, I didn't think I would last long in this job, but decided to test my own limits. I had nothing to lose.

Cut to 2017. I have completed two whole years of work at CSR, the longest job I have ever managed to stick to, or perhaps, the job which stuck to me the longest. On the lunch table with my team, soon after I completed two years, my boss asked me "What has been the highlight of these two years for you?" While I mumbled something, it got me thinking, at how bizarre life tends to be. Here I am, working as a social media consultant, literally living on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, writing blogs off and on, doing a bit of research, and have recently started understanding the coding and technical aspects of websites. It's almost funny how what I do now, has no direct relevance to what I studied all these years, or is nowhere close to all the jobs I had held so far. I am not trained in media, or language, but here I am, as part of the Media and Communication Division. Ironically, it is a job I am quite passionate about, and my work is almost an extension of my own personality now- an ideal situation no?

I remember ages ago, I had gone for an interview and the interviewer told me my resume was "eclectic". Maybe it was a unique way of saying "You lack focus." But perhaps it is the best way to define my personality and my experience with jobs too. When I look back at my 'career graph' (for want of a better word), it is a classic case of "Jack of all trades/Master of None". I really admire people who have had a single goal their whole life, or even their whole adult life, and everything they have done is directed towards achieving that goal. On a personal level, I have struggled a lot with being that goal-directed person, but now at this adult age of 30, I truly have made peace with the fact that I am nowhere close, and for my own sanity, I shouldn't try to be. I am a very "go with the flow" kind of person, and it has always benefited me, given my life circumstances. What I find amazing in a sense, is that all the jobs I have had, have been perfect for the life space I was in at that time.

Who knows where the future takes me?

The Politics of Motherhood

Amidst all the different kinds of politics that exist in our society, there is one distinct category of politics which is never really probed into- mom politics. I really don't know if any kind of literature exists on this, but my two years of motherhood, and being acquainted with many different kinds of mothers, have given me a strange insight into this phenomenon.

What exactly is mom politics? It is essentially moms trying to engage in a game of one-upmanship, passing judgements on the kind of mother the other person is, and often trying to force their parenting styles on the other. I am a part of several moms groups on Facebook, which exist for the purpose of connecting different mothers, and providing a forum for discussion and seeking advice. To put mildly, in my humble opinion, it is nothing but a platform for mothers to pass heavy judgements, often engaging in severe arguments. Don't get me wrong, they can be really helpful too- I got the details of my son's current pediatrician from one of these groups. But apart from a few instances, these groups are no less than an online battlefield.

When does this politics really begin, in the lifespan of a mother? Based on my personal experiences, I am 100% sure that this has an evolutionary basis. It must be something which is passed on in our collective unconscious (Jungian psychology at its best). This conclusion is purely on the basis of my personal experiences, but I am sure everyone has a similar tale to tell.

I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy (save a manic case of morning sickness and nausea which lasted about 5 months) and since I was pretty physically active during those days, I always assumed I would have a normal delivery, to the extent that I never bothered to read or gather any information regarding C-Sections. Cut to the date my son was born- due to abnormal BP levels, my doctors advised me to go for an emergency C-sec. On hearing this, I started howling at the hospital, and told my mother how my BP wasn't my fault and I don't know why this has to happen to me. Looking back, I see that a strange sense of guilt had overpowered me at that time, and I felt the need to justify that I had to opt for an "unnatural" method of delivering my child. To end this story, I had a very uneventful surgery, and my baby and I emerged absolutely healthy from the episode. What is the politics here you might ask? It is in the brouhaha that followed, from all kinds of people, women predominantly who heard that I had a C-Sec. The essence of the reactions was essentially "Oh my god- what sacrilege!". It is absolutely amusing that these reactions are evoked even today, when I discuss the story of my son's birth. The C-Sec moms sympathize and the natural delivery moms just smirk. I can almost hear them gloat. I appreciate women who have delivered their children naturally, I really do. Labour pain is something which I can only imagine, and I also know that the healing process for the mother is much easier and faster- it is called natural for a reason. But just because you didn't have a health issue, and were able to deliver naturally, really doesn't make you any kind of an expert in what I should or shouldn't have done to ensure that I didn't go for a C-Sec. And in the end, it really doesn't matter. I am healthy, my child is healthy, and that is all that is important.

A similar story regarding breastfeeding. Since I had a C-Sec, I had a harrowing time with the process of breastfeeding initially, because apparently in such cases it takes upto 72 hours for the body to understand that the child has been born and milk production needs to begin. So those initial days were terrible- because mothers around me expected me to be a natural, and I wasn't. It took me about a week to really get into the groove and I am really proud of the fact that my son was breastfed till 10 months, and he weaned himself off. It was also possible because my doctors were awesome, my mother and my husband were absolute rockstars in terms of providing me with the support which is required. As easy and natural as the whole process seems, you need an excellent support system to really nail the thing. But that is besides the point. The point is, that some mothers are not able to breastfeed, or just don't want to. And there is absolutely no reason for the world to make them feel inferior. An acquaintance of mine called me within a month of childbirth (she had delivered her baby around the same time) and I remember she asking me what formula milk I use. I told her I breastfeed and she, very honestly, told me that she is not able to. I remember asking her twice, very forcefully I might add, "But why? It's tough at first but you need to persist". And she repeatedly said she couldn't. I am sure she hated me at that time, for not being empathetic. On my part, I feel I said that because I had heard a similar thing from another new mother, and was very influenced by her entire rant on how I MUST breastfeed. And I somehow probably felt that because I was following it, everyone else should, and could, as well. (One tight slap to me-from-2014.)

Having gone past this whole phase, I often feel like shaking people and telling them that no one cares. When we human beings go out in the world, our successes and failures are not dependent on how we were born. No employer ever asks whether a recruit was born via C-Sec or forceps or normal delivery, or whether their mother breastfed them or gave them formula milk. What does matter is how we raise our children. Whether they are good human beings and whether they have healthy lifestyles. Whether they are kind, and helpful. Whether they have a positive impact on the people and places around them.

I don't expect men to understand this. I often find it rather silly when men pass comments and judgements on a woman's mode of delivering her baby or her choices - really, just shut up! But the fact that women, mothers, judge other mothers is quite saddening.

It is rather disappointing that mothers (me included), instead of sticking out for each other, and helping each other out, always end up engaged in some kind of a competition. The underlying theme is always "My style is better than yours", "My child is better than yours". I have friends who are new to motherhood like me, and one thing which is common in all of us, is that we all have a tendency to prove that we are good mothers. This validation, leads us to constantly compare and evaluate other mothers, and coming to the conclusion that we are the best. The working mothers think they are awesome because they manage to balance work/home/family. The stay at home mothers think they are awesome because they have given up careers and professional lives to raise their children. I am somewhere in the middle, and I know that both are really tough. And instead of passing judgements on a mother's choices, we must understand that motherhood, or rather the 'kind' of motherhood, is a life choice. We choose our paths of motherhood, and the choices we make in this path are the best that we do given our circumstances. Whether we send our children to day care, or leave them at home with grandparents and/or maids, or stay at home and take care of them- it's a life choice. Like the subjects we studied, the people we marry, the friends we make. There is absolutely no need to shame a mother, because frankly, a mother has enough guilt of her own to deal with.

A close friend, whose child is the same age as mine, once called me and asked me what I give my child to eat the entire day. After I narrated the entire day's worth of meals, she heaved a sigh of relief and said "I do more or less the same! I thought since you're at home and I work, there must be some difference". Something about that conversation stayed with me. The seemingly inconsequent questions on whether your child is potty trained, or bottle fed, or when he/she is starting school, and how much he/she talks- all end up being a process of proving the success of our motherhood, and in this journey of proving our self worth, we often say hurtful things to other mothers.

What is so important to understand is that a mother struggles every day to prove to herself and the world that she is doing the best she can. And most mothers, are doing a really good job. Their methods, their parenting styles, their concerns might be varied, but they all want to raise healthy and good children.

The struggle to be a good mother is lifelong. I know I will face dozens of such situations when my child starts school, and in the future. I cannot reiterate enough that being a mother is physically and emotionally extremely exhausting and the least that mothers can do, is to be nice to fellow mothers.

A month of sunshine

It's been a whole month since October 1st, that seemingly normal Wednesday morning, when I went to my doctor for a follow-up. And was told that I would be having a baby by the end of the day.

A bit of a history. I had spent the past weekend at the hospital due to a BP scare. So I was at the height of my frustration levels. In fact, on October 1st, I woke up and looked like a balloon- my high blood pressure had made my entire body swell up, to the extent that my eyes looked Chinese, and I couldn't even make a fist with my hands

Right. Coming back to October 1st. For a day which is perhaps one of the most important, defining days of my life, it's a surprise that it's perhaps the most emotion-less and blank days of my life as well. I remember feeling NOTHING through the entire rigmarole of going to my doctor, being told that a C-Sec was my best bet at the time, getting admitted, waiting for the husband to get in from office, filling forms, finally being wheeled into the OT, being subjected to an epidural (that was the scariest part of my delivery process), staring into the bright OT lights above me and suddenly hearing a baby's cry ("really? The kid is born?!")...yours truly was blank through it all.

But the point of this blog post is not my mental state on that day- although I would like to capture that some day soon. My little baby boy, aka Surya, has turned a month old. And I want to essentially capture his first month of living.

So a bit about my "Sun"
- Nothing gives him greater joy than being massaged and bathed. He would be crying before and after a bath, but is in a state of utter tranquility during a bath.
- Doesn't know how to fall asleep- so so so sad for a child whose parents could sleep for eternity if given a choice.
- Moves his hands and feet wayyyy too much. I suspect an incredibly naughty child in the making.
- Looks like an angel when he's sleeping
- Likes being held a little too much.
- Has big and super inquisitive eyes.
- Gives a toothy smile in his sleep, which has immense melting-your-heart powers.
- Looks the cutest when he cries (Sadistic mommy, check)

Motherhood is a strange phenomenon. I didn't feel motherly during my entire pregnancy...I was so incredibly preoccupied with myself. But now that S is here, things have changed. It's a joy having him next to me, to see his little being grow and develop, to notice his tiny little actions and quirks. The entire month has been exhausting and sleep-deprived, but the tiny human is just so pretty awesome, that it seems like a decent payoff ;) I know, biggest cliche in the world right?

(I is back on the blog...I missed writing. And despite the super tiring and exhausting routine that I have now, I hope to be regular from now on. Soooooo much to write about!)